Random rant to get my mind ready for work. Hope you enjoy and if it helps you, please let me know by leaving a comment.
For a very long time, I was constantly told that I am too giving. Not so much as in material items, but more of giving pieces of myself. I was always very trusting and gave my heart away on many occasions. Those were some very heavy situations that destroyed me worst than any physical pain I’ve ever endured.
No matter the pain, I continued to give more and more of myself only to get destroyed each time and I didn’t know why. I was aware of what was hurting me and I was aware of the patterns that lead to the hurt but I couldn’t stop giving. As if it was a drug that I was addicted to. I don’t know if it was a trauma reaction or an action derived from an insecurity that made me feel that people would stay if they ever truly got to know who I really am.
I don’t know. All I know is, regardless of the reason, I truly enjoyed the feeling of giving. The more I gave, the more I hurt, and if you know me, you know what I am about to say. Struggle makes strength. After a while, I started to learn a lot from the hurt. Learned about knowing when to give and the amount. Sometimes I would give too much, sometimes I would give too little. What I have learned has strengthened me more than destroyed me.
I was doing the right thing when it came to giving myself. Regardless of why I am giving, I feel good giving and that is who I am. I was just giving it in the wrong quantity but to the right people. I learned that when I opened up and put my guard down, people would take advantage of what I was giving until it ran out then would use my triggers against me. Experiencing that hurt, I started holding a lot about myself for a long time, for protection. I noticed that shortly after I started opening up, I would get hurt.
I know after reading this, you are probably thinking that I wasted your time because “that’s how it’s supposed to be.” Don’t give people things until you can trust them, but here is something I have also learned. I also learned that it hurts so much more when I held back. Holding back gave them the opportunity to learn from me themselves and with detail. Now instead of them going off what you give them, now they are going off of experience. Actual memories, with actual emotion, with actual people. Now that is what hurt me.
That hurt taught me that I was holding back from giving up who I am because I was afraid of getting hurt. My need for protection is what actually caused the worst pain for me. I was hurting myself because I was not able to be the person that I am while people who were going to hurt me no matter what was being protected by me. So I told myself that I will always give myself to people. If I open up to you, that’s because I have some trust in you. If you are dangerous, I will find out sooner than after giving you my entire being, for you to leave with.
On the first date, I am going to give a little of myself and some of my triggers, if the conversation comes up. On the first outing with a group of friends, I’m going to give a little of myself and some of my triggers. In a moment of hurt, I am going to give my feelings. In a moment of celebration, I am going to show you that I can still be a little boy in a Lego store. I now want people to know what excites me and what I’m afraid of. I want people to know what makes me sad and why I am the way that I am. Yes, it will hurt when they hurt you, but wouldn’t you rather get that paper cut instead of it becoming a serrated blade?
Now that I’m done ranting, look at yourself. Are you afraid of being who you are because of the pain that you’ve been through? Are you afraid to tell people your passions and your goals because of fear of somebody sabotaging it? Are you afraid to listen to specific types of music because you don’t want people to laugh like the last group? The list can go on but ask yourself. “Am I not doing this, or saying that, or liking that person because I’m trying to protect myself? If so, your enemies may be sharing a bowl of popcorn in your lap, while you sit safely in the confines of your home.