As long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a daddy. Not just the title of being a daddy, but actually being a daddy. Somebody who, when the words “Daddy’s home” is said, a little one is just as excited to see me as I am to see them. Somebody who, when my babies are scared, knows to run to daddy for safety. Somebody whose sole purpose was to protect, provide and guide another soul and help it enjoy the pleasures of life while also becoming the best version of itself. Even in middle school before I found my first love, I knew that I always was going to be a daddy. I knew I was going to be the best daddy in the world.
I recently came to the realization that, because of my age, I may not be able to have that chance. This isn’t to be a deep, dark blog post but it is truly something I treasured dearly. Losing something as valuable as being a daddy makes, what others treasure, seem like nothing. I came to the realization that the opportunity of being a daddy, an opportunity that every human being should be blessed with, has been lost. I will say that I know that my children are going to come looking for me and find me. I know for a fact that I will have a relationship with my baby girls one day.
I know that as long as I am breathing, there is still a chance to be a father to my little girls. It’s just going to be extremely hard to make up for staying up late trying to soothe a crying baby to sleep. It won’t make up for the little hands that play with your ears while they try to fight sleep. It won’t make up for the “Daddy I think there is something under my bed.” It won’t make up for the glow on their faces when I surprise them at a soccer game or dance recital. It won’t make up for waking up early in the morning because Santa came. It won’t make up for being there when they find out Santa is me. It won’t make up the daddy-daughter dance. It won’t make up for running to the store to pick up stuff on a bad hair day.
Most importantly, it won’t make up for the relationship that my baby girls were stripped of. My little girls lost the relationship that would have done anything to keep them safe. My little girls lost somebody who they would know will never break their hearts. My little girls lost somebody that they could look up to. Somebody see who they could trust and talk to when they can’t open up to mommy.
The treasure that I lost was the experience of being a daddy.
