I understand that you are out of my life and have been for quite some time now. We have gone a long time without talking and moved on with our lives. You are now building yourself up into the person that you feel is best for you and I am doing the same on my side. I have a favor that I need help with.
As we both know, we had many arguments and many unresolved situations that we went through. Some of the arguments were caused because of simple misunderstandings. Most were caused because of assumptions and thoughts that were created as a self defense mechanism to keep you from going through things that you dealt with from people in your past.
For a long time I fought. I fought hard trying to take responsibility for the men from your past that hurt you. I fought hard trying to heal your wounds and help you understand that I am not the person who did the things that hurt you. Fought trying to show you that, just because I said the same sentence or did the same deed, that my intentions were not the same.
I fought until I could no longer fight anymore. I want you to understand that me not fighting for you does not mean that the love was not there. That just simply meant that I had to love me more and had to fight for a change that ended with me being happy instead of being miserably in love.
The favor that I am asking from you is nothing big. Just for a little help. Just like vibrations, moods and even sneezes are contagious, I believe that traumas can leech onto people as well and I think that your traumas have become my traumas.
At one point, I was a healed cup with no leaks. I easily filled your cup because I had no damages and I was overflowing with everything that you needed. Now I need your help to take what you put in my head, out. Help me take the images of you and another man that is playing on repeat, out of my head.
Do for me, what I tried to do for you and help me believe the words that comes out of people mouths without me feeling like they are going to lie to me. Help me feel that I can FIGHT for somebody in my future without feeling that they are taking advantage of my kindness. Help me feel safe when I am expressing my emotions and feel safe to simply ask for help without being made to feel weak and not a “real man”.
You know what? Never-mind. I called you beautiful from the moment that you woke up til the time that you went to sleep, but I was not able to take away your insecurities. I made you laugh hysterically all the time but I couldn’t make you happy. I filled the house with weapons and did all that I could to protect you but couldn’t make you feel safe. I gave you access to all of me and everything that I had and I couldn’t make you trust. No matter what I did, I was never enough.
So do me this single favor and do what I now have to do and that is heal. Heal from all of your traumas LONG before you say hello to somebody that you may want to start something with in your future. Heal yourself in ways that won’t latch onto the person to the left and right of you so that, if they need to, they can go on about their business without constantly having negative thoughts and feelings cross their mind constantly.
So that they can watch movies and T.V. shows without feelings arising because of memories that you two shared together. So that rides in the car isn’t a prison flooded with emotion because a song that he use to love comes on because you were all he thought. Do me a favor and please do not create another reflection of who I currently am because the world does not need anymore hurt people. Thank you.