My entire life I have been chastised, talked about and judged because I was always one to open up early. I never quite understood why? Like I knew the reasoning from the people who judged me, but to me, their reasoning didn’t make sense. I was even turned down on several dates because the woman would say that I would get too personal too soon.
“Don’t tell people your insecurities because people will use that as ammunition to hurt you.”
“Don’t talk about your past relationships.”
“Don’t bring up your past traumas because all you will do is push somebody away.:
So my question is derived from the basic who, what, when, why and how principle.
If you are not suppose to be open at the beginning, then who are you suppose to be in that that time period? Are you suppose to say everything that you feel the person wants to hear? Act the way that makes the person think that you are genuine and attractive? Yea because I don’t see how that could possibly lead to trouble later on in the relationship.
What are you going to do? Are you going to do something that doesn’t make you happy only to please the other person? Are you going to conduct yourself in an activity that you aren’t really interested in?
When is the appropriate time to be 100% transparent? Is it after a certain amount of dates? Is it after a certain amount of time? How about when it feels comfortable?
Where would any of those actions lead you and the relationship in the future?
I understand the stigma of being too open so let me clarify. I’m not saying that you have to give every detail in the beginning. Those deep conversations can come in the future but I feel that somebody who you would like to grow with should a little about you at the beginning. Why wait til feelings are growing before you start telling somebody that you have kids, or don’t like certain environments and activities?
And it doesn’t always have to be possible negative information either. Tell them what you like to do. What you do on your free time. Goals that you have for the future. Make it fun. Enjoy getting to know the person and allow them to enjoy getting to know you as well. Maybe speaking about some of your goals may be a deal breaker because the other person doesn’t see themselves ever leaving the country permanently. Your goals may even be a building block and inspire the other person grow and introduce them to things that they would love you pursue for themselves.
Share your passions. Share your fears. Share your wants and share your needs. Allow the other person to do the same and watch how it can strengthen the bond. It can possibly help with insecurities
Don’t be afraid of being too boring and afraid of being judged. Let the relationship grow off of honesty. The details of what is being said can be expressed later on but be true at the beginning and you will be able to decide if you want to continue building.